Yelling at Your Kids

Ok. Let's be real. There's gonna be days that you yell. There's gonna be days that you cry, cuss, scream and just want to lay in bed to get away from everybody. That's normal! I don't care who it is...if they say they never feel that way, they're lying. I have good kids. I'll even go so far to say as I have great kids. But, I'm still ready to wring their necks every once in a while. Sometimes they act as if I, since I'm just mom, don't know anything. LET ME TELL Y'ALL...my kids used to ask a question, and when I'd answer, they'd look to my husband and say "Is that right Tom" with me sitting right there!! No joke y'all. They really did that. It would make me so angry I'd be ready to spit nails. It would make me so angry that I couldn't even talk to them. My husband would calmly say "your mother just answered your question" and leave it at that. He never expounded on my answer, but left it as I said. God bless him for that. But, it used to hurt my feelings and I was ready to explode. Finally, I had to realize that my boys weren't trying to hurt my feelings. They were just raised around two different father figures that both tried to undermine me every chance they got. Now, this is not a bash the dad post. Both their father's love them very much and that's all that matters. However, if we're being honest, their fathers don't have much respect for women. So, I've had to combat that at every turn. Though I wouldn't trade my children for the world, we are not free from the consequences of our decisions. So, with that being said...we'll move on.

I'll be honest with you. I grew up with a terrible childhood. I always had to worry about doing something wrong or getting into trouble without even knowing why. I was abused, I was screamed at, I was grounded for a year at a time. A YEAR AT A TIME Y'ALL! So, I became an angry kid, extremely angry teen, and even angrier adult. I would do things intentionally to make people mad or push them away. In my mind, if they didn't stick around, they weren't going to anyway. Better to be rid of them now, than on down the road after I got attached to them. Trying to be a parent with all that swirling inside me, was hard. I knew I didn't want to treat my kids like that, but I sure had a short fuse. I yelled at my eldest son way too much. I disciplined him way too much. He hasn't completely gotten over that, but he may in time. Or that may always be a bone of contention between us. But, I'll tell ya what, I'm certainly not, and my kids aren't, never were, and never will be perfect.

My kids know how to push my buttons. My eldest is 21, so he doesn't do it nearly as much anymore. He is home every once in a while for a few days, but for the most part, he isn't here on a regular basis. But my youngest...oh, my youngest. He has a heart of gold, but he's witty as all get out. And he knows it. He's almost 13 years old! I can't believe he's almost a teenager! But, my youngest, he's the type that if I'm not feeling well, he'll ask if I need anything, or he'll tuck me in at night. He can't stand it when I don't feel well. Like I said, heart of gold. Or if I really need something, he'll be the first to volunteer to help me. But, he has a mouth on him. Or, I guess I should say, he doesn't know when to stop joking. When I tell him that's enough, he wants to push the bar. He wants to see if he can get one last joke in. He has no idea how much this ticks me off. He used to get yelled at for it. Well, sometimes he still does when I'm low on patience, or when I'm really not in the right frame of mind. Because I still make mistakes. But, for the most part, if I simply look at him, then close my eyes and take a deep breath, he knows. He knows he's pushing me a little too far and needs to stop. He knows I'm keeping myself from absolutely exploding. He'll quickly apologize and do what I'm asking him to do (or not do, whatever the case may be). I've talked to him before, and his reply is "I was just joking" but that answer doesn't work for me. I don't care if you're joking or not, when I say stop, I mean stop. Am I right? I know I'm not the only one.

The thing I've learned, is kids don't understand unspoken boundaries. They have no tact, and they want to get one more laugh in. I used to laugh at all his jokes, even ones that were a little rude or disrespectful. Yep, my bad. So, I'm having to fix that behavior now. Don't be like me! Please, to save yourself some aggravation and sanity, stop the rude, or disrespectful, jokes at a young age. Make sure your young ones do what you ask, when you ask. The FIRST time. I know the popular opinion right now is to be their best friend, but trust me...THAT DOESN'T WORK. It's setting yourself up for failure. Your not doing your child any favors by being their friend first and parent second. They need to learn boundaries. They need to learn tact. They need to know when to stop doing or saying certain things.

All that leads in to the question "How do I stop yelling at my kids"? Well....it certainly depends on how old your children are. However, there are certain things that you can do no matter what their age. First, you do what you say you're going to do. My son can't stand it when he's grounded. He hates giving up his games or his phone. I don't care. When I tell him something and he doesn't do it, or he gives me a bad attitude, he loses something for the rest of the night. If he argues with me, or back talks, he loses it the next day as well. But, if you threaten to take something away for a certain behavior, make sure you follow through! I can't stress this enough. Don't make it something crazy like taking their games away for a year. We both know you're not going to stick with that. (Unless you're my aunt) But, I digress. You're not going to take the games away for that long. You'll go crazy way before that. Stick to something that you can follow through on. If you don't follow through on what you say you're going to do, they know they're going to get away with a whole lot more.

Second, you want to listen to their "side of the story" always. You may still choose to take their games away (or whatever consequence you've chosen) but, you always want your children to have a voice. You want them to know you'll listen to them. When kids know you're going to listen to them and be fair, then they will be more open to talking to you. They'll know that you took what they said into account. Even if their punishment sticks, they'll still respect you more since you took the time to listen to them.

Third, give them a chance to redeem themselves. I'm not saying to change your mind on the consequences, but, I am saying to give them a chance to make things right. Depending on what they do, you can shorten the time period in which they can't play games. Or give them their phone back a day earlier. Trust me, in a teen's mind, a day or two early is huge. Give them some chores or responsibilities around the house and see if they do them without mouthing off or arguing. If they do them respectfully, that's what you want. Reward that! Your kids have personalities, attitudes and ideas! They're not robots! If they choose to do what you ask without acting out, then they chose to do so. They didn't have to be obedient! But, they chose to be. Again, reward that!

It's so easy to fall into the cycle of arguing with your kids. Don't get in that cycle to begin with! Set boundaries, clear consequences, and stick with them. Your home will be so much easier if you start off with that mindset. But, what do you do if you still find yourself yelling instead of using these tips? First, look to yourself. Why are you responding the way you are? Are you tired or stressed? Are you overworked and underappreciated? Are you feeling ok? These are all stressors that may cause you to lash out. You have to be aware of what's going on with you first. When your child is on your last nerve, stop and ask yourself why things are getting to you so easily right now. What I do, is read the Bible. I get into the word and just soak up His teachings. If you are a Christian, you may stop and do the same. If you're not, I suggest you stop and take deep breaths. For every breath you inhale, think on one thing you love most about your child. Each time you exhale, think about what he did wrong. In with the good, out with the bad. When you stop and breathe before reacting, you give yourself time to get control. You're not looking like a crazy mom flying off the handle for no reason. When you scream at your kids, it gives them anxiety. I'm not joking. I used to scream at my son. I've done my best not to do that for the last few years, but I did when he was younger. That insecurity and discomfort has stuck with him. I wish so badly that I could go back and change things. I wish I knew then what I know now. But, I can't. I can only move forward the best way I know how. The breathing exercise has been the best thing to happen to us. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and my son is ready to do what I ask him to do. He doesn't want me to scream or get upset either! He knows I am doing my best to keep my cool, so he wants to help me do that. He also knows if he keeps doing whatever action he's doing that is making me take deep breaths, he's most likely not going to like the consequences.

The Bible even talks about how to raise children. Proverbs 23:13 says withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Proverbs 22:6 says to train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Colossians 3:21 says “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” Proverbs 13:24 says He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. So, first of all, God teaches us to discipline and correct our children. The Bible also warns us to make sure and not be so hard on our children that it makes things worse. We, as parents, have to find that balance. We can't allow children to do anything and everything they want. We have to correct them. But, we have to be careful how we go about disciplining them. That's why the best answer is to start young. Set boundaries as soon as they're able to understand. It will make things easier on you, and easier on your child. Too much yelling or discipline will make your children fearful, angry, or anxious. Too little discipline will raise them to be entitled, selfish, and tactless.

Just remember, you're their parent, not their friend. I know some people will disagree with my parenting techniques, and that's ok. But, I'm more worried about how my child is going to turn out, than about what other people think. I have an obligation to raise decent human beings. My son is going to be a husband, and possibly a father, someday. I have to worry about how he treats women. I have to worry about how he's going to raise his kids. I don't have to worry about whether Karen from next door thinks I'm a good mom or not.

Until next time,

Tracy