The Outside Looking In

It doesn't matter. No matter how many times you beg, plead, cry, get angry, it doesn't matter. Drugs have a hold on your loved one. You have no idea how to help them. Truth is, you really can't. Until they make the decision to help themselves. If they don't want to stop, they're not going to. Unless they get arrested, even then, the craving is there and they'll probably be right back at it when they get out.

I have a close family member that has been an addict since he was 13. He's 52 years old now. The whole time I've been alive, he has battled addiction. I can't image the torment he has gone through. I, myself, haven't had that issue. I did have a stint with pills. But, I don't have an addictive personality. Except with cigarettes. I hate those things, but I've been smoking them since I was 12. Anyway, I digress.

My family member, we'll call him "S", has been in and out of rehab centers his whole life. I thought he finally had it under control a few years ago. He was living with me, he had been clean for three years. He got his license back, had a vehicle. He was working regularly...then he crashed his motorcycle. He snapped both the bones in his lower left leg in two. He told me he knew after the first shot of Dilaudid, that it was over. He was hooked again immediately.

Do you have ANY idea how heartbreaking it was for me to hear that? This happened on my watch. At least that's what it felt like at the time. But, he was right. He was addicted again immediately. I told the doctor he was an addict and the doctor said this was not the time to withhold pain medication. I understood, and agreed. I just wanted him to be aware. It was pointless, though. S got his pain medication on schedule. He was finally released, and came home. His girlfriend at the time, started bringing in pills for him. When I found out, I kicked her out. She was no longer allowed in my home. I have a child, and I wasn't going to risk losing my child over some illegal pain pills. NOT HAPPENING. I love S, but keeping my child safe was more important to me than his addiction.

He finally healed up and started working again. I think he only worked to pay for pills. I told him that there was to be no drugs in my house. At all. He could have any prescription meds he was taking, but that was it. I think he abided by that, however, he would go out and get drugs anyway. He would do everything he had all at one time, then come back to my house. So, we didn't have to see him doing drugs, just the high that came with it, and the coming down off it. He would scream out in his sleep, he would hallucinate and talk to people that weren't there. I came in one night and he was singing out the window at the woods behind our house. He said there were people back there. He would scream out the window that I would shoot everyone back there if I caught them. He was adament that there were people hiding in the woods. It was such a sad situation. I was heartbroken for him, I was embarassed for us that our neighbors could hear him when he would act this way. It wasn't just one time. I felt completely helpless. He could barely function anymore.

At the time I owned my own business on Etsy, and I had hired him to help me because I was so busy. He decided not to show up for a couple of days, so I fired him. It's called tough love. It was tough on me, and it was tough on him. I felt like I had no choice anymore. I haven't even told you half of the things we went through with him. It won't all fit into one blog post. But, I love him. So very much. I wanted to do what I could to help him, but I was clueless. There was nothing more I could do. A few other things happened, we got him a truck and he decided to sell it, and that was the final straw. He left our home. I didn't hear from him for a while. Everytime I saw the news, I wondered if I would see him on there. Either arrested or dead. Do you have any idea how that feels? It's horrible. But, that's how it is when you love someone who is addicted to drugs.

It took a while, but I finally heard from him. He was clean. Let me tell you...he said something to me that has stuck with me to this day. He's celebrating 19 months clean right now. Praise the Lord! But, he said to me, that he had any drug he wanted. He said "I had all the drugs I wanted, I could choose anything...but...I ran out of me" Drugs had overtook everything. They completely destroyed every good thing in his life. Everything he had accomplished. He had nothing left to give. So, he finally quit. I am so thankful that he chose to let those demons go. I continue to pray that he never falls into that trap again.

When you're on the outside looking in, you feel completely helpless. There is absolutely nothing you can do. You can't fight their battles for them, you can't convince them there aren't people hiding in the woods, you can't make that craving go away. All you can do is love them, and pray for them. Feed them when they're hungry, but please don't give them cash. You can only do what you can do. Nothing more. It's a helpless feeling. You have absolutely no control, you have no say.

I told S that he was four different people. One person when he was craving the drugs, another person when he was on the drugs, another person when he was coming down off the drugs, and my favorite, a different person altogether when he was clean from the drugs. I always pray for the last to stick around a little longer.

Until next time,

Tracy