When Bad Things Happen

When something terrible happens to our families, in our workplace, or in our social circles, often times we don't know how to deal with it. If we're close enough to the tragedy, sometimes we turn to our old ways and old comforts. But, you don't have to. You have to learn coping skills that will get you throught the good times and the bad. You have to realize this is a bad moment, not necessarily a bad life. You need to find ways to push through and come out on the other side even stronger.

My son's stepmother "L" had a massive stroke a couple months ago. My son was devastated. We all were. She's been in our lives since he was 2 years old. He called us when they found her laying on the couch. There was chaos and fear in his voice and his father's voice. We immediately drove up there, about an hour away. I was heartbroken, but I had to be strong for my son, because, understandably, his father was in no shape to offer comfort for my baby boy. He's 12, but still my baby boy. I found his father "R" crying by the truck outside the emergency room. One of the arteries in L's neck was completely clogged. They didn't know at the time if L would even survive. I spoke to her two adult children, offering comfort as much as possible. My husband "T" and I drove my son back to their home and cleaned up the bodily fluids and did as much around the house as possible before R came home. We didn't want him to have to come home and clean up his own wife's vomit. It was a pretty bad situation. L is still not home. She's been in rehab now since July. She still can't speak, or care for herself. We don't know if she'll ever be able to. But, I'm trying to teach my son that he is strong enough to get through this. He goes to see her regularly, and I feel it's important for him to do so. It's important for him to be able to process the change that is taking place in his life. He's home with me more often, he doesn't get to see her sons or grandchildren much, or at all. It's a whole new dynamic there that he has to get used to. He's not liking it much right now. Last night I asked him a question about L. He just rolled over and started crying. That broke my heart, so I just lay down beside him and held him while he cried. I spoke to him and tried to bring him comfort. He won't really talk about his feelings much at this age, so it's not easy for him to tell me how he feels. But, he expresses himself in other ways. He wants to spend more time with me, he wants to play cards or asks me to sit in there with him while he's on his video games. He is feeling insecure right now because so much has happened.

Two weeks after L had her stroke, we had to put our dog, Coco, down. Coco was only 7 years old, but he had gotten really sick and no one could tell us why without invasive surgery. He was in really bad shape and wasn't even sure he would survive the surgery. We had to make the hard decision to end his suffering. That was another terrible blow to my son. We have three other dogs, a cat, a ferret and a bearded dragon. But we felt the loss of Coco pretty deep. We got him before T and I got married. We're coming up on our 7th wedding anniversary in a couple of days. So, we've had him pretty much as far back as my son can remember things pretty well. Within the span of two weeks, my baby has essentially "lost" two very important figures in his life.

Speaking for myself, if I hadn't broken free from my anger and resentment that I had bottled up for so long, I'm not sure how I would have reacted in this situation. Sure, I would have felt bad for my son and for L. But, I have a lot of unresolved issues with R. I don't know if I could have brought myelf to help him in any way, shape, or form. I had so much anger towards R, I wished some things on him that I should have never wished upon another human being. But, I broke free of that, and he had to be part of that or I never would have been truly free. So, I see him as someone my son loves. That's why I can try to help him through this time. It's not easy, and I catch myself being the "old Tracy" every once in a while and I stop myself. It truly is an ongoing process, however, mMy son is more important than anything R has done to me. My son is what matters, and I was going to be here for him completely during this awful time.

So, how do you react to trauma and tragedy these days? Are you the one that's going to be there for your children, your spouse, your parents, your friends? Or are you going to say, "that's so sad" and go on about your day without trying to bring comfort and peace?

Until next time, Tracy